The Screamer

I was there for this one… unfortunately.

I used to have two male roommates. Both of the guys had girlfriends. One of them was a really great guy who was dating the bitch-from-hell. It was one of those cases where he was totally besotted and the rest of us were left scratching our heads, trying to figure out why?

One night we were all in the kitchen hanging out, shooting the shit and playing cards, when she leans over whispers in my roommmates ear. A huge grin spreads over his face and they head down to his bedroom. Leaving me with my other roommate, and a couple of his friends that I didn’t really know.

I felt a bit awkward being the only girl left standing (literally), but the boys and I quickly got over the initial awkwardness and continued chatting and playing cards.

It was only 11pm on a Saturday night, way too early to pack it in.

Next thing you know, she is back out in the kitchen. Stealing the CD from the player while announcing to everyone that the AC/DC that my roommmate had cued in the bedroom wasn’t nearly as good to have sex to as Rage Against the Machine. (yeah – this took place a while ago).

Then she tried to engage the guys in a debate about the topic while I’m sure my roommate was lying naked in bed with a towering (I assume – she didn’t seem the type to be with a guy who wasn’t huge) hard-on wondering what the hell was taking her so long.


Then after she goes back to the bedroom, they start. We know this because we hear her.

Now to set this up so you’ll understand just how loud she was, I had a huge three bedroom apartment at the time. The kitchen was at one end and the bedrooms at the other. We had the top apartment which took up the entire floor. His bedroom was at the far end on the other side of the building.

We heard them from start to finish.

It was a rather uncomfortable time in the kitchen, we could hear her over the Billy Idol we had playing at near full volume. I would have left the boys and gone to my room except that it was right beside all the action. *sigh*

When they started round two we gave up and went to the pub.

Things I learned (and didn’t really want to):

1) She loves to be slapped and told she’s a bad girl
2) My roommmate is hung like a black man (her words not mine) and he has great balls
3) He doesn’t quite go fast enough when she’s ready
4) and she believes in God… or at least she kept screaming his name – although I’m pretty sure that qualifies for ‘in vain’

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Girls are asshats too

A couple of my guy friends are laughing their asses off at this blog.

They’ve been around for some of the post date discussion and just shake their heads. I feel kinda validated when I have ‘guy-dissaproval’ of a date’s bad behaviour. It seems so much stronger coming from them since they’re guys, and have insight into ‘guy-think’.

Then they started remember when… about the bad dates/situations they’ve had with women. I just about peed my pants, I was laughing so hard.

Some of the stories I had heard before. With their permission I’ll tell some of them here and can only hope to do them justice.

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Alas there is always one bad date that is used to measure each and every bad date that comes after it. Even if it’s eventually surpassed, it’s still used as a point on the scale for comparison.

It becomes legend.

I had that date a while back and feel it only fair to share it with you here.

SCUBA-man. Sounds like an action hero but trust me I was the one responsible for the heroics that night.

We’d gone out for a few dates and things were going along quite nicely. We had a lot to talk about and he was a great kisser. So when he invited me over to his place to watch a movie I understood that we’d probably ignore the movie.

Well I was almost right.

He pressed play and we responsed faster than the DVD. Kisses, nibbles, shirts off, his first then mine – the rest of our clothes followed.

Like most guys, trying to impress during the first time, he headed south (alas, this seems to be the only time they do it voluntarily, no matter how much they profess to love it). I was eager and ready, not wanting to miss a minute of this rare event.

He adjusted me to get a better angle and just as he was going in, he stopped, took a huge breath, then dove.

Puzzled, I looked at the top of his head. “Did he just…?”

After ten wonderful seconds, he raised his head, gasped in a breath, gave me a huge ‘aren’t-I-great-grin’, took another breath and dove again. Ten more seconds of bliss coupled with thought of what the hell is he doing?

By the third down, his face was almost purple and I was staring at the movie, hoping for something to happen on the screen to halt the giggle fit that was about to happen. I cannot lie, it took super-human effort.

Apparently, he took the body-shakes, from me trying to surpress my laughter, as a sure sign of pending orgasm. One last dive to finish me off and he was done.

Trust me – he was finished.

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Hitachi Magic Wand

So my birthday is coming up and well, you see how much luck I’ve been having in the romance department.

One of my good friends sent me a birthday present.

I burst out laughing when I saw what was inside the package. My very own Hitachi Magic Wand. He bought one ages ago for his recently exed-wife, back in the days when when they were still married. She gave it rave reviews. So I couldn’t wait to try it out, hoping this was one thing she hadn’t lied about.

BTW – He’s a saint… and single if anyone wants me to hook them up with him. (but you gotta pass through my strict anti-bitch filters before I’ll let you near him)

Anyway… let me just say that it’s almost enough to swear off men completely. Who needs the hassle of a man when you have a sweet little ride like this.

The knob at the end takes some working up to, at least it did for me, but I’m telling you WOW, Just WOW. Apparently, you can also buy attachments for it… guess what I want for Christmas! My only complaint is that it has only a 6ft cord, but I can live with that since extension cords will fix the problem and it means you never have to worry again about your batteries dying when you need them the most.

Now, my friend, being a man, he wants all the intimate, vibration by vibration details, but well… that’s too much for even this blog.

So let me just say, I highly recommend it to all the girls out there… and if you have a guy (or girl) it also does a fantastic job as the body massager it is intended to be. Apparently it’s also great for help smooth out those ugly cellulite dimples too. Can it get any better? I think not!

Check it out on to see all the testimonial videos and suggestions for use.

Oh gee, look at the time… I’m off to bed 😛

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The Drooler

First meeting WOW. We connected on so many levels. It was awesome.

We sat in the coffee shop for hours. I felt comfortable enough to let him drive me home and then we sat in my driveway for another couple of hours – just talking. At the end of the date, I got a great hug (that had me tingling all over) and a kiss on the cheek.

Next date we watch movies at his house. We talked through the first film and didn’t even bother with the second one. We’d already drifted from chat to making out. He turned out to be a wonderful kisser so I mentally checked off that item on my ‘BF-must-have’ list. (Do NOT judge me – we all have that list in our heads)

Things were going great until we shifted position.

Now, I was laying on the couch and he was half laying on top/beside me. I looked up at him as see a silly grin on his face. The way his lips curled slightly over his teeth made him look toothless. I was so shocked, that I didn’t see the stream of drool until it was too late.

BULLSEYE, right into my open mouth. EWWWWWWwwwwwww!!

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The Porn Star

So this incredibly gorgeous guy sends me an email. Now we’re talking drop dead, pinch me now, oh WOW-is-he-really-emailing-me-beautiful. We chat for a bit via email and he seems normal. (These sites quickly make you adjust you’re filter from ‘I wonder if he’s nice’ to ‘I wonder just how fucked-up he is’.)

So when he asks if we can chat on MSN I agree. He’s passed my first set of filters. BTW – I don’t have my IM on the dating web site enabled… the stuff that comes through on that is just plain frightening.

We chat for a while on MSN and then he says, you seem really nice, I need to be honest with you.

So I’m thinking he’s married, has a girlfriend etc. Instead I find out he used to be a porn star. Hes been in several films and even though he’s let that world behind him now, he offered me a link.

Well, I strike him off the ‘take him home to Mother’ list but keep chatting. I mean really, how often so you get to meet a real live porn star. I was curious and to be truthful a bit skeptical.

So I’m cooking supper with my laptop on the counter when he asks to go on video. Well, he was my chance for proof. If I accepted the video request, I would see if he was really the guy in the porn film (and yes, I watched it) or a pimply faced young-in hoping for a sexy conversation to brag to his friends about.

Well, it was him and if anything he looked better on his webcam than in the porn video. He didn’t speak, even though his mic was on – weird but I figured he probably had one of those girly-voices which would ruin the illusion for most women. He types for a minute and then on my screen pops the question, “Do I want to see?”

Well dear reader, we all know what he meant and I probably should have said no, but it’s been a while and I’ll admit all this porn talk had me feeling a little horny.

He zoomed out the camera and I could see he was already naked from the waist down. He was impressive. Definitely worthy of porn star status.

“Wanna watch?” he types.

“Well duhh yeah.” I rolled my eyes. I’m sure this isn’t what Mom had in mind but I motioned for him to continue anyway.

So I’m standing in the middle of the kitchen, slicing veggies, frying hamburger for spaghetti and watching my own personal porn movie.

While I enjoyed the show, I have to suggest he not do this type of thing without a director. While he got the camera angle right but he looked bored, which got me bored real fast. My only clue that things were getting close was his breathing got faster. By the time he was done I was paying more attention to my sauteing onions than his towering hard-on. Seriously, as cum squirted up over his chest and ripped six-pack in an impressive arc, his expression still didn’t change. Made me wonder if he’d just come back from a Botox treatment.

Sadly, his lack of enthusiasm killed any desire to meet him. It would have been like having sex with a statue – hell even my vibrators have more life.

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Welcome to dating in the 21st century

My name is Sadie. I’ve been divorced for a while and decided it was time to start dating again. (well that and needing to shut my mother up. Seriously, it’s not my biological clock that’s ticking – it’s HERS). She wants to be a grandmother before she dies and from the way she’s carrying-on her death will be in 10-12 months.

So, being the dutiful daughter I am (and desperate for a different conversation topic) I let the world know I was looking for a man.

Bad Idea!

Who knew my friends knew so little about me. Shocking really, You should see the parade of ‘ewws’,’ughs’ and ‘aww c’mons’ I’ve been subjected to. So I took a deep breath as signed on to Plenty-Off-Fish.

Now before we go any further, let me just say that most of the dating sites are the same. In fact a lot of them I checked out had the same guys displayed. So the stories to follow aren’t to the credit or blame of It’s just the poison I’ve chosen. It’s free, so you definitely get what you’ve paid for. It’s up to you to filter out the pond scum and bottom feeders and watch our for the sharks and ahem, minnows. So word to the wise, be careful no matter what site you happen to use.

Hopefully my experiences will save someone from making the same mistake I have and give the rest of you a good laugh at my expense.

Now without further adieu – lets get on with it.

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