Life's Lessons With A Side Of Snark

Alas there is always one bad date that is used to measure each and every bad date that comes after it. Even if it’s eventually surpassed, it’s still used as a point on the scale for comparison.

It becomes legend.

I had that date a while back and feel it only fair to share it with you here.

SCUBA-man. Sounds like an action hero but trust me I was the one responsible for the heroics that night.

We’d gone out for a few dates and things were going along quite nicely. We had a lot to talk about and he was a great kisser. So when he invited me over to his place to watch a movie I understood that we’d probably ignore the movie.

Well I was almost right.

He pressed play and we responsed faster than the DVD. Kisses, nibbles, shirts off, his first then mine – the rest of our clothes followed.

Like most guys, trying to impress during the first time, he headed south (alas, this seems to be the only time they do it voluntarily, no matter how much they profess to love it). I was eager and ready, not wanting to miss a minute of this rare event.

He adjusted me to get a better angle and just as he was going in, he stopped, took a huge breath, then dove.

Puzzled, I looked at the top of his head. “Did he just…?”

After ten wonderful seconds, he raised his head, gasped in a breath, gave me a huge ‘aren’t-I-great-grin’, took another breath and dove again. Ten more seconds of bliss coupled with thought of what the hell is he doing?

By the third down, his face was almost purple and I was staring at the movie, hoping for something to happen on the screen to halt the giggle fit that was about to happen. I cannot lie, it took super-human effort.

Apparently, he took the body-shakes, from me trying to surpress my laughter, as a sure sign of pending orgasm. One last dive to finish me off and he was done.

Trust me – he was finished.

So my birthday is coming up and well, you see how much luck I’ve been having in the romance department.

One of my good friends sent me a birthday present.

I burst out laughing when I saw what was inside the package. My very own Hitachi Magic Wand. He bought one ages ago for his recently exed-wife, back in the days when when they were still married. She gave it rave reviews. So I couldn’t wait to try it out, hoping this was one thing she hadn’t lied about.

BTW – He’s a saint… and single if anyone wants me to hook them up with him. (but you gotta pass through my strict anti-bitch filters before I’ll let you near him)

Anyway… let me just say that it’s almost enough to swear off men completely. Who needs the hassle of a man when you have a sweet little ride like this.

The knob at the end takes some working up to, at least it did for me, but I’m telling you WOW, Just WOW. Apparently, you can also buy attachments for it… guess what I want for Christmas! My only complaint is that it has only a 6ft cord, but I can live with that since extension cords will fix the problem and it means you never have to worry again about your batteries dying when you need them the most.

Now, my friend, being a man, he wants all the intimate, vibration by vibration details, but well… that’s too much for even this blog.

So let me just say, I highly recommend it to all the girls out there… and if you have a guy (or girl) it also does a fantastic job as the body massager it is intended to be. Apparently it’s also great for help smooth out those ugly cellulite dimples too. Can it get any better? I think not!

Check it out on youtube.com to see all the testimonial videos and suggestions for use.

Oh gee, look at the time… I’m off to bed 😛

So this incredibly gorgeous guy sends me an email. Now we’re talking drop dead, pinch me now, oh WOW-is-he-really-emailing-me-beautiful. We chat for a bit via email and he seems normal. (These sites quickly make you adjust you’re filter from ‘I wonder if he’s nice’ to ‘I wonder just how fucked-up he is’.)

So when he asks if we can chat on MSN I agree. He’s passed my first set of filters. BTW – I don’t have my IM on the dating web site enabled… the stuff that comes through on that is just plain frightening.

We chat for a while on MSN and then he says, you seem really nice, I need to be honest with you.

So I’m thinking he’s married, has a girlfriend etc. Instead I find out he used to be a porn star. Hes been in several films and even though he’s let that world behind him now, he offered me a link.

Well, I strike him off the ‘take him home to Mother’ list but keep chatting. I mean really, how often so you get to meet a real live porn star. I was curious and to be truthful a bit skeptical.

So I’m cooking supper with my laptop on the counter when he asks to go on video. Well, he was my chance for proof. If I accepted the video request, I would see if he was really the guy in the porn film (and yes, I watched it) or a pimply faced young-in hoping for a sexy conversation to brag to his friends about.

Well, it was him and if anything he looked better on his webcam than in the porn video. He didn’t speak, even though his mic was on – weird but I figured he probably had one of those girly-voices which would ruin the illusion for most women. He types for a minute and then on my screen pops the question, “Do I want to see?”

Well dear reader, we all know what he meant and I probably should have said no, but it’s been a while and I’ll admit all this porn talk had me feeling a little horny.

He zoomed out the camera and I could see he was already naked from the waist down. He was impressive. Definitely worthy of porn star status.

“Wanna watch?” he types.

“Well duhh yeah.” I rolled my eyes. I’m sure this isn’t what Mom had in mind but I motioned for him to continue anyway.

So I’m standing in the middle of the kitchen, slicing veggies, frying hamburger for spaghetti and watching my own personal porn movie.

While I enjoyed the show, I have to suggest he not do this type of thing without a director. While he got the camera angle right but he looked bored, which got me bored real fast. My only clue that things were getting close was his breathing got faster. By the time he was done I was paying more attention to my sauteing onions than his towering hard-on. Seriously, as cum squirted up over his chest and ripped six-pack in an impressive arc, his expression still didn’t change. Made me wonder if he’d just come back from a Botox treatment.

Sadly, his lack of enthusiasm killed any desire to meet him. It would have been like having sex with a statue – hell even my vibrators have more life.